Moments

A very wise friend of mine once stated, "The joys of Motherhood come in moments". I wrote it on my whiteboard in my kitchen and looked at it everyday. But tonight I struggle to find those moments. How, when after an entire day of a nearly unconsoleable child, can we find the beautiful moments that made us want this whole mess in the first place? We tell ourselves that the nine to ten months of suffering is all worth it when we hold that bundle in our arms for the first time. But what of the rest of their life? Where are the moments that make that mess worth it? I don't mean to sound derogatory to the point of not wanting or loving my child. I am just spent. The tears don't want to stop. Tears that express far more than frustration. They are the million times I tried to help him. The million times I nearly lost it. The many different cries from him stating that I just wasn't cutting it. The shear desperation in just sitting on a blanket outside because it was the only place he wasn't furious. Those are the tears that are the worst. Then there is the shame in wanting his nap to last all afternoon because I knew that all that would greet me at his awakening was more frustrated cries and moans. Where are the moments that make that worth it? It was a nice touch tonight that he truly fell asleep in my arms at bedtime. He just cuddled up and got comfy. I just stared at that little face, finally still after a long, hard day. I knew I was holding my heart in my arms. There was my moment. One moment for the whole day. Was it selfish to want more than that? That is so little to go on. My heart is weak, yet I know when holding it in my arms like that that I would give it's life to protect the one lying there.

Perhaps that is all we can ask for. Stop comparing situations, take the small things when they come and let the tears fix themselves...or at least let them fall until there are no more. Then suck it up and do it again tomorrow....tomorrow. Tomorrow has to be better. Much better. It could get worse, but let's not think about that. We'll stick with better.

Until then, Quiet.......Sleep......Time......