A night of "firsts"

It's amazing how having a baby turns your life upside down. No one can prepare you for the changes that take place and the new path that your life takes. Rather than spending your time researching music (in my case) I spend my time researching the best way to put a baby to sleep, or random skin abnormalities, or cradle cap and all the myriad of things that can go wrong when an infant sleeps on their side. And before you know it, 10 weeks have passed and you have no idea how you lived without a feeding schedule or the constant need to purchase diapers.

Well, tonight I ventured out into the adult world, sans bebe, for 3 1/2 whole hours. I remember babysitting as a girl and thinking, "Why don't they just go? I've got this under control and if anything happens, I'll just call my mom". Well, now I know why they don't "just leave". They, the parent(s), are terrified! There's no way to tell a babysitter all of the secrets, all of the nuances of his cries, all of the little things that it took me 10 weeks to really get a handle on, and the tons of things I still don't have down. There is just no way. So, after 15 minutes of wandering around the house wondering if I said all that I needed to say, Rachel looked at me and said, "Just leave. It's okay. Have a great time."

So, leave I did.

And then the worrying started. I drove away and immediately picked up the phone to call Justin and tell him I had braved the big wide world sans bebe and diaper bag. (A purse! I carried a PURSE!) I felt naked. No, it was different than that. I felt. . . . incomplete. Kyler has become my world. He is all I think about and what I dream about. He is the glue that keeps my brain intact.

I sat in the movie theatre and when the previews ended at 7:20pm I thought, "Okay, Kyler should be finished eating now and I hope he's not screaming." Then I said to myself, "You can do this: enjoy yourself." I didn't think about him again until the credits rolled at 9:30 when I looked at my watch and thought, " Okay, with any luck, he is alseep and not screaming for them... with any luck." I came home and he was, of course, awake. I just smiled, kissed him and laid him down. He went right to sleep.

I braved the world. I left my son with someone he didn't know and he lived. But I think more importantly, I lived. I was me again, for the first time since Kyler came into my life, I was just me. No worries, no fretting. And when I cried I did so because I was moved to, not by a screaming son, but by the beauty that is in life. He is part of that beauty and because of him, my world has more color than I could imagine.